I cant [[breathe]] without you, but I have to. :[ <3

Today is such a sad day.  Today my grandpa passed away :[

I know as a member of the church it should be a happier time than usual, but I am still just so sad.
He was such a good man and I cant even believe he wont be there on Christmas with me.
To say "see you Tuesday!" or "see y a later buckaroni!" My heart is empty.
When I heard the news today i collapsed, my world was falling apart and I couldnt even be home?
So I am going home to SNOWY michigan to be with my family and help my mom and grandma with this amazing horrid loss tomorrow.  I am going to be a mess. I dont know how to really handle this, ive had many people die in my life, but this is my grandpa. The man thats always been there for me and always said I Love You at the end of our phone calls and is always suprise to see me.  Who I used to eat the BIG frosted mini wheats with in the soup bowls in the morning when I stayed with my grandparents. 

This is going to hard Lord. I really need you now.

<3 RIP grandpa Robert Hill 12-19-2009

memoirs of a modern female

Think back think back to the summer time
I would cross through these state lines
You were always on my mind

Wow. Looking back sends me on a TRIP

What was it like when I was younger?  I was always hurting. I was never truly happy.  I just tried to find ways to concur my hurt.  I went through times that I wish I couldnt remember.  I saw things I would kill to erase from my memory.  All of these things, but somehow here I am now.  3 months early at birth with a 2% chance of living? Yet here I am today.  Stronger then ever.  I have made mistakes.  Horrible mistakes. But thats not who I am anymore.  Ive become someone I am proud of.  Someone I can look at in the eye when I look in the mirror.  

For a long time I could look at myself in the mirror, but I could never look myself in the eyes.  Why?  I have no idea. I didnt want to face what lay beyond them?  I was ashamed?  I was scared?  All of the above? Most likely.

When I look back, i cant believe that person even existed.  but I am deep inside glad she did.  Glad I was able to make those mistakes and hurt those people.  If I hadnt, i wouldnt be who I am today, wouldnt have learned or helped the people I am now able to.

I am a new person and it all started July 18, 2009.  A day i couldnt ever forget. Coming out of that water I felt weightless, like everything that i had ever worried about or seen or been hurt by was gone.  I was a legit new person.  The old me was drained along with that warm baptismal water.  I look back on my life now with a purpose.

No longer just a big question mark.

How do you look back on your life?

:] 

Beware *

Caution: I am not like other girls.

I am crazy

I am BOLD

I am innocent

I am mature

I am scared

I am nervous

I am faithful

I am strong

I am full of love

What are you? What sets you apart? Makes you unique? There are so many things I am dying to say, words cannot even suffice.

What a wonderful year this has been in my life.

2009 - the year of changing times.

I have been caught up with so many things these past few months.  Ive gotten into church so much and so hard that I just couldnt imagine my life without it.  Its like everynight I am doing something with people I love.

I have new amazing roomies.

I was able to go on a couple dates with a boy and not be scared haha. thats a step in the right direction! Nahh. this boy is a great person and I am very thankful I have had the chance to get to know him.

I am trying to be an example. I actually shared my testimony in church yesterday.  I cried. I felt the spirit. I thought my heart was beating so hard my chest would fly off. I talked about my family. I said how I know they can see my happiness and they know I am in love with this gospel. 

how could I not be?

I LOVE BEING A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS

<3

Im starting with the man in the mirror <3

I tried to be a [[picture]] perfect girl

I aint a doll, this aint a dollhouse*

Thats right. I am NOT a doll.

What is the big deal with trends these days? Why is self confidence down, and skankiness up?

There are so many girls out there that need someone, that need ANYONE to help them realize the beauty that they are.  I was able to visit my younger "sister" this weekend for thanksgiving and she is so down about herself. She is beautiful. She is extraordinary, and she is lacking the confidence she needs to know she can be incredible.

I wish I could just tell every one how beautiful they are.

Michael Jackson had the right idea.

It doesnt matter if theyre black or white.

we need to know how to be loved and show love. we need to lead by example.

There is a saying "be the change you wish to see in the world"

no.

be the LOVE you wish to see in the world. 

<3

Lets make a difference. Start by looking at the man in the mirror.

Tropical paradise take me [[away]] <3

This is the time.

FAME.

<3

Still I burn on and on, all of my life.

Only for you.

I am living my dream. Everything I have always wanted is being dropped upon my flip flop tanned feet.

AND

I love it.

I have an amazing job opportunity that will continue my carreer growth.

I have amazing roomies.

I have an amazing family

I have incredible friends.

AND

I have an adoring Heavenly Father.

How could I ask for anything else?

I cant.

My life is this crazy story and this is only a chapter.

bring it on.

whats next?

<3

Baby your [[all]] that I want. :]

OH MAN

I went to a haunted hay ride last night with Martha!

Had to be the SCARIEST thing I have EVER done.

why did they have to scream JESSSIIIIICCCCCAAAAA in the beginning? Did I really have to be part of this whole scary situation. I have learned I guess I am a mom. Whoever is infront of me, if im scared I will grab you and sheild you and then take you down with me.

HAHA

It was inevitably one of the best days of my life yesterday though. Besides my baptism of course :]

TWELVE WEEKS NOW!

I found out I got a job att Armani Exchange

I found out this really AMAZING girl I met and have been talking to and going to missionary lessons with has decided to get baptized!

AND

I went to the haunted hay ride with Martha. Whom I LOVE. <3

What could possibly make this day any better?

WE WENT  TO CHEESECAKE FACTORY AFTER!

yes. I have never been, and yes I was born again on the cheesecake front after tasting one bite of that peice of HEAVEN.

I just come home everynight and thank God for placing such amazing people in my life, the people in this church, when I am around them I feel whole. I feel like even though I have JUST met you, we are best friends. Thats what it should be like meeting everyone. its just a glorious feeling to have.

on another note.

I got new roomies!!

They are all really incredible and can tell we will all get along super well!

Ive known one girl since Middle School, and I love her to death now that we have honestly really gotten to know eachother and the other two I just met like a week ago. We have had some deep and girly convos. I really think these girls will do great things in the world and I love it. I know we will all become great friends and influences on eachother.

<3<3<3

LOVELOVELOVE

Im sitting here.

I am sitting here CRAZY

thinking that this is possible is insane. 650 days?

How can that last? No way.

Its impossible.

No matter how much I like you. This is crazy.
I am crazy.
This cant happen.
we cant happen.
Im sorry.
I have to move on.
I have to be strong enough to let go of this dream.

I [[love]] this.

I want to take you out on a date 

I don't care if it's in the day or at night. 

 I want to tell you how beautiful I think you are, 

inside and out

I love my friends. My BFFE, my Beffy, and my BFF's

I have had the most amazing past few days. 

I was totally lost and confused, and just wreck for a few hours.

STUPID OPPOSITION

Its something I cannot escape and therefore will face

head on, head strong. <3

I love how certain people are just dropped into my life, as if they were little puppets dropped into my stage by God. As if he is controlling how every move we make is done and executed.

Whats crazy is,

HE IS.

I love it. I love THIS. 

I LOVE THE GOSPEL OF JESUS CHRIST

<3

Why am I so lame? :]

HAHA

I dont know why I was so nervous.

I am not nervous about dating, but nervous about feeling something for anyone but him.

Its such a scary thing, I havent felt anything for anyone since ive met him, since hes captured my smile. Taken over my happiness

He had me at 'Hello'

I know that this seems crazy and unrealistic, Everyone tells me that I need to be dating and figuring out that type of person I want to marry and crap.

I already know. Its him.

He is the only one I can feel anything for and i dont know why. I wish i could stop it because the fact that hes going to be gone for another 660 days kills me inside. Its like a broken heart. but worse because you know he likes you too, but the distance and circumstances kill it. Its like being stabbed multiple times in the chest by your closest friend or family member. It hurts SO bad. but you know that they still love you, as well as you them.

Ive never missed him this bad.

Its because I know we have a chance

a chance to be together

a chance to fall in love.

<3

Could [[you]] be my hero* <3

Things might take a wild turn of events here ladies and gents.

olwqkerdjkwfjmc

I cant do this. I dont know how to like boys.

I dont know how to show affection to people in this way.

Why does he have to be so cute and charming and mormon?

powlqaekdjwpwofkcm

CRAP.

This is it. I cant let opportunities like these just breeze past me.

I am going for it.

If I jump and fall then so be it, If I jump and land, then thats what has to happen.

Its on.

Life has begun.

[[LOVE]] <3*

I need to come to realize that he's just a guy. A special one maybe,
but he's not mine. I don't need to do things to make him love me,
if he wanted to,
he would.

This is it. This is the truth. I am in love. Its not with you.

I dont know if you feel it too

I love you.

You can put a smile on my face with just a simple hello

When you are around the good me is all that shows

You change my heart and you change my soul

I just want you to know.

You dont have to say you love me, thats not what i am looking for or want.

I want you to realise that shes not all I got. I know your far away right now, but please just dont forget.

How you felt that very first day that we met.

<3

Its now or [[never]] <3

So. My first blog.

I am in California, 20 miles away from these crazy fires! 

I love it here though. I have finals next week then finally a break and off to MEXICO!

You think someone is so amazing and incredible. You really begin to like them.  But its against everything. Its against what youve ever believed in. How can it be so wrong? The attraction is there. Its REAL feelings. Its not something you can make up. 

Then again

You can think about how much your stomach hurts for so long it eventually starts to hurt.

You can think yourself into having a headache.

Can you think yourself into attraction?

Is it possible that these things are false when they feel so real?

Its said He loves all of His children. is that true? because I am feeling He is only loving half.

Half of me. The half I show to the world.

The half I really want to be and try to be.

The good half.

but then theres another part of me. Another person I try not to be.

This person comes into my head when I sit here and think too long and try so hard to move on.

How do things like this happen? I was doing so good.

"When creative people get bored they think and do bad things"

This is what describes me. I dont know what to think or do anymore.

I love Him so much, but what are these feelings?

Where are they coming from?

Why are they here?

Why wont they go away?